Kas see on minu jaoks?
Võib-olla Sa küsid vahel endalt, et kuidas ma peaksin aru saama, et minu vanemate lahkuminek on keeruline? Kas mu vanematel on käsil keeruline lahkuminek isegi siis kui nad on juba lahutatud, kuid ei suuda vaidlemist lõpetada? Kas keeruline lahkumine tähendab seda, et vanemad peavad selleks päriselt omavahel kaklema?
Sinu vanematel on käsil keeruline lahkuminek siis kui nad isegi peale lahkuminekut vaidlevad edasi ja ütlevad teineteise kohta halbu asju. Ka siis kui nad ei ütlegi midagi erilist, kuid on teineteise läheduses alati väga pinges. Nad võivad vaielda telefoni teel, e-mailide kaudu, sõnumite kaudu või silmast silma kohtudes, aga ka oma pahameelt teisele hoopis sinu kaudu edastada. Vanematel on tihtipeale ka oma advokaat kes aitab neid lahkuminekuga seonduvates asjades, nagu oma ühise vara jagamine või laste külastuskordade kokku leppimine.
Võib juhtuda nii, et just sina jääd nende tüli keskele kinni ja ei tea enam mida teha. See on paljudele lastele segadust tekitav. Sellest võivad lisaks kurbusele isegi peavalud ja kõhuvalud tekkida. Lapsena ei saa sa alati aru miks vanemad teineteise suhtes kurjad on. Sa ju armastad neid mõlemaid ja see teeb sulle haiget, et nad omavahel läbi ei saa.
Võib ka nii juhtuda, et sa vihastad nende peale päris põhjalikult ja ei taha nendest ühte või kumbagi enam üldse näha. Ja siis nad hakkavad sellepärast ka tülitsema. Kui sa ühele vanemale teise kohta midagi ütled, võivad nad seda tülitsedes teisele öelda ja siis sa ilmselt ei taha enam üldse midagi öelda.
Kui su vanemad on aeg-ajalt teineteise peale vihased, kuid suudavad siiski sinu nimel oma erimeelsustest üle saada, siis nende lahkuminek ei ole nii keeruline, sest ka need vanemad, kes on koos, saavad vahel teineteise peale väga vihaseks. Kui see aga ei lõpe ja nad muudkui jätkavad teineteise peale vihastamist ning sina tunned, et oled selle keskel justkui vangis, siis tõenäoliselt on su vanemate puhul tegemist keerulise lahkuminekuga.
Meie programm
Kuidas küll see programm neid aitab? Äkki sa mõtled, et see ei ole võimalik? Nad on ju juba kõike proovinud, kuid nad tülitsevad ikka edasi ja seda juba pikalt ning see ei lõpe mitte kunagi ära. Nii arvasime ka palju aastaid meie. Mida iganes me ka ei proovinud - see ei toiminud. Kuid siis proovisime me midagi hoopis teistmoodi teha ning selle tulemused olid palju paremad!
Nii, et mida me siis teeme? Kohe seletame. Me paneme ühte gruppi kuni 12 lapsevanemat, kes aitavad üksteisel tülitsemist lõpetada. Neil on kaks terapeudist abistajat. Vanemad teevad selles grupis igasuguseid harjutusi, mis on loodud selleks, et nad tülitsemise lõpetaksid. Terapeudid aitavad vanematel aru saada, mida see lastele tähendab, kui nad ei suuda tülitsemist lõpetada. Kui su vanemad aru saavad, mida selline tülitsemine sinuga teeb, siis nad tahavad muutuda, et sinu elu jälle rõõmsamaks muutuks.
Kas mina pean ka midagi tegema?
Aus vastus sellele küsimusele oleks, et Ei ja Jah. Sina ei pea nende tülitsemist lõpetama. Vahel lapsed püüavad seda teha, kuid sellest ei ole tavaliselt abi. Meie palume sinul hoopis ühes grupis osaleda. See on natuke teistmoodi grupp kui lapsevanemate oma - selles grupis on kõikide nende 12ne vanema lapsed. Lapsed, kellel on samasugused mured nagu sinul.
Mis grupp see selline on?
Selles grupis osalevad lapsed, kelle vanematel on käsil keeruline lahkuminek. Paljud lapsed on öelnud, et kui nende vanemad ei lõpeta tülitsemist, on neil üha kehvem olla. Nad on kurvad, hirmunud või vihased. Vahel ei tunne nad enam üldse midagi ja on juba täiesti ükskõiksed. Üks laps ei peaks ennast aga nii tundma. Lastest koosnev grupp saab samal ajal ja samas majas kokku nagu vanemate grupp, kuid ühes teises ruumis.
Selles grupis on sul võimalik joonistada, pildistada, filme teha, muusikat kuulata, tantsida, luuletada ja kindlasti ka mängida. Samuti on sul võimalik oma muredest rääkida, kui sa seda soovid. Nende tegevustega seoses mõtleme me selle peale, mida lapsed tunnevad kui nende vanemad tülitsevad ning kuidas nad saaksid end sellest säästa. Enamikule lastest on sellised grupid meeldinud, sest seal on teised sarnaste muredega lapsed ning nad ei tunne ennast enam oma muredega nii üksi. Selles grupis on igas vanuses lapsed, kindlasti on nende hulgas ka sinu vanuseid lapsi. Me usume, et sul saab seal tore olema.
Kui kaua see asi kestab?
Me kohtume 8 korda, 3 kuu jooksul. Grupid toimuvad õhtuti ja kestavad 2,5 tundi. Selle aja sisse kuulub ka väike paus.
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Is it for me?
What does it mean to be in a high conflict divorce and how do you know whether your parents are in a high conflict divorce? Maybe you sometimes ask yourself these questions? Are your parents in a high conflict divorce if, after having been divorced, they argue every now and then? Or does it mean that your parents actually fight each other?
Your parents are in a high conflict divorce if, after they have been divorced, they continue to argue and say bad things about each other, or if they don’t say anything but act very tense. They might say these bad things, for example, over the telephone or over WhatsApp, or when they see each other, but they can also say mean things about each other to you. Both parents often have a lawyer and they go to court because on their own they fail to make good agreements about holidays, money, belongings, or about when you visit your father or your mother.
And as their child you are often stuck in the middle and you don’t really know anymore what to do. This confuses many children, it gives them a head- or stomachache, or it just makes them feel down. This is because as a child you often don’t understand why your parents continue to be unkind to one another, even when they are being very kind to you. Often you love both your parents and it hurts to see these two people you care about fight each other.
You yourself can also be upset with one or both of your parents and sometimes you would rather not go see them anymore. Parents can then fight about this again. And when you tell one parent something about the other this can be used in a fight between your parents, so you might not say anything at all anymore.
If your parents are angry with each other every now and then, but if they also sort everything out for you, then they are not in a high conflict divorce. Even parents who are still together sometimes get angry with each other. But if it doesn’t stop and if they continue to say bad things about each other, perhaps also very different things so you don’t know who is right and who is wrong and you feel like you are stuck in the middle, then this is considered a high conflict divorce.
How?
You might think: “This won’t work. They tried everything already and they’ve been arguing for years. This won’t ever stop”. That’s what we also used to think. Whatever we tried, it just continued. But then we tried to do something new and this turned out to work better than anything we had tried doing before. Unfortunately, this project is only taking place in the Netherlands. But do not worry, contact your local GP maybe he or she knows a similar project in your country.
What is it that you do?
I will tell you. We set up a group in which about 12 parents come together to help each other to stop the fighting. Two therapists help with that. Therapists try to help people who have worries or problems. These therapists will help your parents in a group with other parents. In this group, parents will do all kinds of exercises that help the fighting to stop. And the therapists help the parents to realize again what it means for you when their fighting just won’t stop. And when parents realize this again, and really understand this, they often decide to do things differently because they want to make your life more fun again.
Do I have to do something as well?
The answer to this question is actually ‘yes’ and ‘no’. You don’t have to make your parents stop fighting. Sometimes children try to do this but this never really works. We do ask you to join a group as well. This is a group for children of parents who are in a high conflict divorce.
What kind of group is this?
In this group there are children of parents who take part in the parent group. Many children have told us that if their parents continue to fight, they will end up feeling very troubled. They often feel sad, scared or angry. Or they don’t feel anything at all anymore. And that isn’t right for children. That’s why we also set up a group for children, which comes together at the same time and in the same building as the parents. But in a different room of course. And in this group you’re allowed to draw, take photographs, make films, listen to music, dance and play games. And of course you’re also allowed to talk. For all these activities it’s important that you think about what it feels like to you when you’re parents argue with each other. And about what you can do become less affected by these fights. Most children enjoy doing this, because they notice that they’re not the only ones and because they often get good advice from each other. There are children of all ages in the group. And actually, there are also always children of your own age in the group. We also play games and we actually have quite some fun.
How long does something like this last?
We meet 8 times, for two hours, about once a week.